je ne sais quoi: On poetry, the art form I keep closest to my heart.

In my meager years as a writer, I’ve realized but one thing.

Writing is a difficult profession.

Writers find themselves in the position of a boulder rolling down a steep hill. It destroys everything in its path but is unable to stop, even if it wants to do nothing other than stop.

I have so much to write and so many emotions to delicately express using the gift that is language and poetry, but I don’t have the words.

A writer can never truly look at any of their works and say, “Wow. This perfectly encapsulates what I was trying to express.”

Because it can’t.

That is the downside of writing.

No words can ever truly express the tsunami that is any emotion.

I find myself desperate to write at times, desperate to push out words that express literary genius as well as emotional depth. But I have no words.

On one hand, I sometimes look at my work and think, “Wow. That is some damn good writing.” But on the other hand, I look at the same work and think, “This isn’t working. It’s good literary writing, but the emotional depth is lost to the reader who has no clue about what I was feeling when I wrote this.”

And then there are times when I think my writing perfectly expresses the relevant emotions, but damn, there’s no literary sense. What I’ve written isn’t majestic to read from a literary point of view.

I keep throwing myself in front of pebbles and obstacles, hoping that one of them will have the strength to stop the boulder, but none of them do. I keep rolling downhill, still destroying everything in my path, hoping that one day, something I write will be perfect enough to be a worthy obstacle.

There’s a reason why I believe that writing as an art form is basically just begging the reader to take a peek into your soul, see what it stores, and accept it.

Here, please read what I’ve written. I care about it so much; please tell me that it’s worth caring about.

"Write and write, I do, crying bloody murder,

Only to wrap it up, hide it away on the topmost shelf."

Here I am, almost begging people to read my work, but I also don’t want anyone to read my work. I want someone to see my writing, understand who I am, and love me. But I also don’t want anyone to ever look at my work and see what’s inside me.

Writing is hard. I have a plethora of words in my heart, but they’re all in a language that doesn’t translate verbally.

Writers live their whole lives trying to write something that means the world to them but will also someday mean the world to their readers.

Look at my protagonist, he is a troubled, mentally ill, queer kid, and he’s going through so much. Look at him. See who he is. Love him for who he is.

Please, love him for who he is. He is me, after all. Or at least a part of me.

If one can love him, that means one can love me too.

Writing means that you need to be intellectually in touch with what’s going on in your own head, even if you’re completely emotionally detached from it. I have a tendency to intellectualize everything that I feel to the point of not actually feeling it. I will always stick to what I’ve said about writing. One cannot write what they do not care about.

I’ve named this article je nais se quoi for a few reasons.

The French phrase literally means “I don’t know what.” French is a language inextricably connected to the art of poetry. It's the language of the poets. 'Je nais se quoi' is a phrase that is used to refer to something pleasing that cannot be described easily or something that is a pleasing quality that has no word actually to describe the relevant quality.

Writing is a profession that is dedicated to trying to remove the je nais se quoi that exists in mundane life. But, at the same time, it is an art form dedicated to keeping the phrase alive.

My writing is a, Je nais se quoi... word vomit of everything that I feel.

And though the majority of my work is not in a poetic format, at least not the typical poetic format, I personally think of it as poetry.

Poetry is defined as a literary work in which the expression of feelings and ideas is given intensity by the use of a distinct style and rhythm. The majority of my poetry lacks a discernable style and rhythm. But just because one can’t discern the existence of this distinct style doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

Forced rhyme schemes, the use of elegant and elaborate words where they aren’t needed, and forced linguistics, vocabulary, and punctuation insult the art of poetry.

True poetry is taking the vast ocean that is one’s heart and trying one’s abject best to put it on paper. Deliberately trying to make true poetry sound poetic takes away from the depth of its expression.

Poetry is my most preferred art form, closely followed by music. But then again, poetry is music, is it not?

"I write my words to the rhythm of your heartbeat, and your love is the melody that turns my poetry into music."

Poetry is the music of your heart.

It has a certain je nais se qoui to it, that sets it apart from all other art forms.

There will never be enough words in this universe to perfectly encapsulate the musings of a heart, but poetry is an art form dedicated to trying to do just that.

"Perhaps my only dream is you, perhaps when I press my face to yours I will read in your eyes those impossible landscapes, those false tediums, those feelings that inhabit the gloom of my weariness and the grottoes of my disquiets."

-Fernando Pessoa, in 'The Book of Disquiet'

I would recommend reading 'The Book of Disquiet' to everyone who enjoys poetry and intellectual commentary. Fernando Pessoa, in my opinion, is a writer who perfected the art of breaking himself into pieces. He does so in almost all his works. A writer should know how to break themselves into pieces and write soliloquies from the point of view of those specific pieces. Every character I write is a caricature of myself, a caricature of parts of myself.

I just hope that one day, these caricatures will ring true to how other people feel about themselves so that they know that they are not alone in their struggle. If not everybody, somebody understands how they feel. And that is the true joy of poetry.

With love,

Kev